This post makes me want to say so much but I will try to stay focused. The idea of having to do things on my own was a belief I held on to for a very long time. I can see the patterns in my family and history now looking back explaining how and why it went so far unchecked in my life and lasted as long as it did. I stayed in very toxic relationships much longer than I should have because I felt those problems were supposed to be dealt with on my own. Privately. We don't talk about those things out loud because then not only are they true, but then everyone will know AND that meant that I wasn't strong enough to deal with it on my own. Lots of internal reasons to isolate that were really deeply programmed and still try to pop up in my mind every so often.
I say all of that now, knowing in my heart that I'm not alone with my experience. I know that there are others out that are maybe experiencing the same thing right now. Everything new feels a little scary. Our brain likes to keep us doing what we know so when something new is presented, our brain treats it like danger. Breathe In, Breathe Out. There are still people out there that care, that want to connect and enjoy life with people that vibe in the same energy field, that would love to help.
Sometimes we want to force a fit into our lives and try to make relationships work with people that will continue to feel full of friction no matter what you do. Sometimes these are people that have been in our life for a very long time, and they are people that we love. We want to seek solace and peace with our family and friends we once knew but they are on their own journeys too. They can't give advice that they have never received. They can't teach you lessons for things that they have never learned and don't practice. We can't make people understand our journeys. We just have to keep moving forward.
My yoga teacher training changed my life in every way possible. I was only beginning to find my tribe. I made such beautiful friendships and met the most life changing teachers, some of which I now have the honor of calling friends as well. It was hard to connect as much with this first group as I was still existing in a narcissistic abusive relationship. Despite everything I was learning, I very desperately didn't want to believe that this part of my life was a lie. I graduated yoga teacher training, the world shut down, and I got pregnant within a week. I was pregnant, after 5 years of trying to conceive with my horribly toxic partner and I was alone...
Almost alone... I did begin to start my tribe and my light at the end of the tunnel was visible like a hand extended and waiting for me to just look up and reach it. After repeatedly hearing that it was okay to reach out for help, I finally did. I signed up for therapy. This was the next monumental thing that changed my life. When I started therapy, I was still married, I was in the second half of my pregnancy, the abuse was getting worse, and I was terrified about becoming a mom. I had my son at the end of the year, I had an emergency C section after 24 hours of labor and we both almost died; and the abuse got even worse. By March the following year I asked for advice about making the relationship better. My therapist advised me to put Rose Quartz all around the house and manifest it. At the time, my partner and I were already sleeping separately so I went to put Rose Quartz under his bed, and I found a second cell phone, he really had been cheating the whole time. It felt like the solid proof that I finally needed, and I ended it immediately.
I tried to stay in my own home that I purchased in my 20s before we were married but he got even worse. It got so bad that I locked myself, my son and our pets all in the room before he would get home so he couldn't get in there. The last night I was there I was so scared it got so bad that I called the domestic violence hotline, grabbed my son and as much as I could and fled my own home. I am fortunate and grateful to have parents that are able to support me and had room for us. I went back to the house the next day and grabbed the pets because it was eating me alive that I left them in the first place. What I didn't grab that day. I pretty much lost. He stole my childhood things, gifts, heirlooms, gaming consoles, and much more that I don't realize is gone until I need it for something I am doing. He stole my diaries.
It was a very messy divorce that I still, right now, feel like I should be quiet about. I have this inner voice telling me that people shouldn't know, or he will try to find some way to use this against me or make life harder for my stepdaughter. During this whole process the hands that were reaching for me got stronger and I was finally able to start reaching for help. I started actively working on healing again now that I was in a space that allowed this to happen. I tried to learn as much as I could in the modalities that had the most influence on me during my training. I started to go back to my tribe, they reminded me that it is okay to embrace who I am.
Everything that I am able to do now has come from support mixed with my inner strength. I do have strength, courage, determination. I had that when I was isolated which helped me find my people, but it was the people that really helped me allow this light to shine. None of this is to discredit my work. There is still work that has to be done and I am the only one that can physically do the things that get me to the places I want to be in life. Support, acceptance and encouragement does make a difference. It makes the gaps from the where you are to where you want to be in life a little easier when you have company that is there to help you. It is okay to ask for help. There is strength in vulnerability and honesty.
If you ever want to use the contact me to reach out just for discussions, questions, advice. Please feel free to do so.
Namaste & Blessed Be